Sometimes I feel like people see others dealing with hard stuff as exemplars of faith, strength, perseverance or whatever. I’m guilty of it too. You look at someone and wonder how on earth could they be standing after hearing this news? How can they function? They must have super strength, faith, etc to make it thru x, y, or z situation. I guess I may be one of those people now. Who’s story you read on Facebook and think wow, her faith is incredible, how could you deal with a terminal diagnosis for your newborn baby? How could you watch her die? My thought is this – I am not any kind of exemplar of godly anything. I am merely human trying to keep my head above water. I am more doubtful than Thomas, more careless than Peter, and have betrayed my Jesus more often then Judas. I don’t know how Jesus loves me but I know He does, regardless of the flaws others may not see. Truth is, you don’t know what you can live thru until it happens. There are many times during the day when I feel like I can’t live thru it. The sorrow is too dense, too suffocating, too paralyzing. But something pushes me along. Something forces me to put one foot in front of another. Something forces me to believe that something good will come out of this pain. Something forces me to believe there is some unknown reason why I have to sacrifice my daughter. And that reason is good. Better than good, it is perfection. That something is faith in the one true God, who cries when I cry, who lovingly gathers me in his arms, wipes away my tears and says,” I am so sorry but there is no other way to do what I have to do”. I will understand one day, and I will rejoice that His plans were (and always are) infinitely greater than mine. And I will hold my precious daughter for all eternity.


One thought on “truth

  1. This entry has resonated so strongly with me. I feel as if you have spoken the words of my relationship with God with such clarity. I showed your blog to one of the priests here who is praying for Abby. Fr. Daniel said in your everyday, ordinary faith you are a living exemplar of faith. We often forget that the saints were ordinary people with their own doubts, fears and problems. They, like you, continue on through the graces of God. I love you and thank you for sharing this with all of us. I know that your experiences will draw others into a deeper relationship with their Lord and Savior.


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