It always has and it always will. How we deal with pain is what’s the hardest. I have found that over the past three weeks I spend most of my time consoling other people on how to deal with there pain. Helping them to walk through the impending death of an infant. People are unable to wrap their heads around it or they choose to act like its not going to happen. Ignorance in this instance truly is bliss.
People love to talk. They think they have all the answers or have to best piece of advice for you. Unfortunately this isn’t true. Many kind-hearted people just don’t know how to act. Everyone will say something stupid, its gonna happen. Don’t worry about those comments they are easily overlooked. It’s when you know someone is saying something because they don’t know what to say and it gets worse and worse… and usually really awkward. For you and anyone that you may know that is going through a tough situation let me give you some tips.
Things to say:
“Man, that sucks.”
“We are here for you.”
“Let us know if you need anything.”
“We are praying for you.”
Be ok with silence. Let the person will talk about whatever they want to talk about. They are not looking to you for answers; they just need to get all the crazy thoughts out.
Things not to say:
“How are you feeling.” – If you ask this, be prepared to get the worst possible answer that you could ever imagine and don’t be angry with the person when they tell you. You asked the question…
“God has this!” – Is the sky blue? Of course He does. All things come through His hands to us. You might not want to know what the real outcome is and I don’t feel like getting into a theological discussion with you, unless I bring it up.
“We are sending you good energy” – Are you a power plant? Are you charging me for that energy?
To my friends that I have communicated with; You are great. I love each and every one of you dearly and you mean the world to me, more than you will ever know. But please don’t give me unsolicited advice on how to get through this situation, unless you have been through it. It just makes me angry, which I really don’t have the energy for, and that turns into apathy for our friendship. If you have a word of encouragement or God laid something on your heart PLEASE send a txt, email, voicemail, carrier pigeon…anything! What I need right now is not advice on how to handle the impending death of my daughter, (unless you have been through it) I need help making it through the day (literally). One day at a time. Please help me with that. If you can I will be grateful beyond words.
You must understand that in a situation where you know something bad is going to happen, you live expecting it. I know you cant always live our lives that way. Its weight is crushing to ones soul. So you must always press on and move forward. For the first two weeks of Abigail’s life I didn’t leave her side, I was always there knowing what could come at any moment. Now that we are prepared for a long haul I have started to venture our more and more. Once three to four hours hits, panic ensues. My heart races, breath gets short and body clinches in retching agony of being away from my sweet little girl. Why? Today could be her last day. That hour could be her last. This is the reality that I live in. A perpetual state of terrifying dismay of what is to come and what I might miss. Does this stop me from doing errands or work? It can’t. I don’t have that option. I am a man, the head of this house. With God’s guidance I will lead Erika, Audrey and Abigail through this. Whatever that looks like I will be obedient to what I have to do for my family. I will lay my life down for any of my girls and if that means hustling for more sales, getting a gallon of milk or traversing the earth to find something that will help them I will do it. No questions asked. Difficult times call for strong people. I am the strongest of them all, A Warrior for Christ